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Fic: The Detrimental Cake (The XYY Man)

Title: The Detrimental Cake (632 words) A03 Link
Author: Liadt
Fandom: The XYY Man
Rating: All ages
Categories: gen
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: George Bulman, ‘Spider’ Scott, Derek Willis
Additional Tags: cake!fic, yuk!, back when Bulman was bad.
Summary: As usual Spider was underdressed.

Notes: The XYY Man was a 1970's UK TV series about a cat-burglar trying to go straight, but he kept getting sucked into shady activities by British Intelligence.

To those familiar with Bulman his actions will come of no surprise. To everyone else I wouldn't read this while eating;p

DC Derek Willis broke down the door to the cellar of the most exclusive hotel in Leeds. Once the door was off, DS George Bulman wasn’t far behind his kicker, Willis, in entering the dark basement. Bulman swung his torch around trying to locate where the sounds of muffled shouting were coming from.

“They’re over here!” called Bulman and strode across to two people, who an enthusiastic person had chained to a rack as well as each other. One was the cat burglar, Spider Scott, the other was an attractive, young woman the two police officers weren‘t acquainted with. The manacled pair were in a state of undress. Their blushes were spared by a generous coating of mashed gateau, jam, cherries and whipped cream slathered across their bodies.

Bulman shone his torch up and down the cake covered pair and waved at Willis to undo the duo‘s gags. “I might have known, Scott, playing away from your old lady again. You disgust me and I’m not referring to your current state, as I’m used to catching you with your trousers round your ankles. I see you won’t be able to keep me up to date with the latest fashions in underwear this evening. Unless covering Y-fronts in cake is a trend I’ve missed out on, trying to keep recidivists like you off the streets.”

“While I’m flattered by your interest in my pants - can’t you unchain us? This rack is as uncomfortable as it looks,” said Spider to Bulman.

“Nah, unless there’s a key around, you’ll have to wait for a locksmith,” Willis informed him.

“And I have a feeling the key won’t be found,” said Bulman, who took great pleasure in Spider’s discomfort.

“You do know I’ve solved your case of the disappearing diplomat for you, by getting myself into this situation,” said Spider, angrily and rattled a chain for good measure.

Bulman smirked. “I shall see to it you’re chained up more often in that case, if it helps with your rehabilitation into society. With your habits, you probably start twitching after a month out of nick. I would have thought this dungeon…” Bulman played his light over the antique instruments of torture in the room, “Would be a home from home for you.”

“I don’t know what you’ve got against Spider, but as the daughter of the Right Honourable MP for Biggleswade, Sir Jeremy Grafton, I demand you get me out of here. I’m claustrophobic,” interjected Spider’s female companion.

“Really, I’m a Pisces,” said Willis.

“Derek, that’s no way to talk to a lady - tell her a decent joke,” said Bulman.

“Like what?”

“Try one of Harold Lloyd’s,” answered Bulman.

“I don’t know him - good is he?”

“For heaven’s sake - he’s a silent comedian! We don‘t have time for this, Jenson‘s getting away and he has a case full of MI5 microdots!” said Spider, exasperated.

George patted Spider‘s cheek with one of his gloved hands. “Don’t fret my squad have picked Jenson up at the airport. Hmm, is this cake black forest gateau? It’s my absolute favourite.”

Spider felt very queasy as George sucked the cake mixture off his glove in front of him. Spider had been apprehended enough times by the copper to know Bulman’s gloves were usually in a grubby state of affairs.

When Bulman had finished, Spider said, “Next time I run into you, Detective Sergeant Bulman, and your colleagues fancy trying a lie detector test on me, I’ll tell them I knew your obsession with sending me down was due to a kinky fascination for me, and not an over zealous dedication to pursuing law and order, the night you licked cake off my body.”

“And enjoyed it,” added the Right Honourable’s daughter, hotly.

“Never mind, Sarge, I’ll say it was all done in the course of duty,” said Willis, mildly.